Lost and confused

The title alone is enough to describe how I'm doing.

Still can't blog.

好累，但是很開心

今天是一個下雨的禮拜一。所有的重單跟愁腦都又回來了。學校的工課和要做但每做完的一系列的事又要來煩我。但是今天很不一樣。雖然很累也還沒有完全睡惺，我現在知道我要努力學習的一個新的原因也意識道他的重要性。因為做為一位醫生，我要為我以後的病人負則所以我必須努力掌握一切我需要掌握的知識。他們知所以來找我看病，就表示他們對我的信任，所以我是絕對不能讓他們失望。 而且我也更不能忽略神的恩典，不能只是自私的去滿足自己的所需。如果我真的執意要成為討神喜樂的女人的話，嚴格要求自己是絕不可缺乏的一點。

昨天的談話讓我意識到婚姻其實不是那麼的遙遠也不是那麼的可怕。如果我能繼續聽從聖靈的指示，我覺得真的沒有像我想像的那麼不可能。我知到我現在離我想要達到的目標還很遠，但是如果我現在不開始真正的朝那個方像努力，我永遠也不會實現我的夢想。

我發現我浪費很多時間來抱怨我怎樣無聊怎樣不開心而不去把精力放在尋找如何提高自己的方法。所以我希望我以後能堅持我現在的想法，把時間放在有意義和屬神的事上。專心的扶侍祂。

Friendship is a ship that never sinks =)

Going out last night felt GOOD. I needed that human contact and I enjoyed laughing with the ones I love. I can see why I was feeling more and more down as the week passes by, it's that I don't get to see anyone and everyday, I get home, closes myself in my room and eat dinner alone with my books.

I love my friends.

Vendredi, simplement.

Pour être honnête avec toi, je n'ai vraiment aucune idée quoi écrire dans le blog pour aujourd'hui. Aussi ridicule que ça pourrait paraître, je n'ai rien appris de nouveau depuis hier. Peut-être que c'est dû au fait que mon horaire est doublement chargé, ou peut-être que c'est juste moi qui ne veut rien apprendre. On dirait que je suis constamment à la recherche des tâches pour remplir ma journée, car j'ai peur de faire face à la solitude et à l'ennui. D'ailleurs, mon esprit se situe présentement dans une espèce de statu quo où tout est dans un semi-arrêt, comme si j'ai énormément besoin de me rattrapper à ma routine et que j'échoue, de minute en minute, et de pire en pire.

Les premières jours de la semaine me parraissaient interminables, mais les dernières ont passé tellement vite que je n'ai presque pas eu le temps de respirer. Je ne sais toujours pas ce que j'ai et je ne comprends pas plus ce qui se passe, mais tout ce que je suis capable de conclure pour le moment c'est qu'il y a quelque chose qui cloche. Quelque chose que je ne veux pas accepter et qui me rend malheureuse et presque folle. Je n'apprécie plus le moment présent et une fois la semaine finie, je ne saisis pas ce qui s'est passé. C'est rendu que je vis dans le futur parce qu'il est toujours un peu plus promettant, et laisse un peu d'espoir que les choses vont mieux aller. Je me sens comme si je voulais être ailleurs, être dehors, regarder les nuages se promener dans le ciel, imaginer des formes d'animaux et laisser le soleil chatouiller mon visage...

My 1st Post

Today was definitely a tough and long day at work. Going in this morning, I knew that I would have to overcome numerous obstacles. I was expecting a lot of push backs from co-workers and for tables and graphs not to add up. With this mindset, I walked into the office and turned on my laptop. However, at that moment, I believe it was the Holy Spirit telling/encouraging me that I don't need to worry or stress, just try my best with the reliance on God and the knowledge that God is ultimately my only Judge in my life. Whatever happens would not be the end of the world because I know my identity in Christ. The worst thing that could happen to me was simply look for a new job. Upon this revelation by the Holy Spirit, I knew that God had answered my morning prayer. I asked God to give me strength and guidance of the HS throughout the day, not just at work. I want to be a light in this world to show others that Christ is in me and what an indescribable difference He has made in my life. I know that ever since Christ has opened my eyes and heart to Him, I know that God has not stopped working and transforming my mind and heart into more in the likeness of his Son, Jesus. I have been reading Philippians 1 this whole week and verse 6 reminds me of the work of God in me upon having faith in Him.

"being confident in this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

How to deal with bitterness - mimi's way

Things got better, I went through the downs of yesterday and even things are not perfect now, I'm starting to learn how to accept things the way they are and be happy about it.

Only myself is responsible for my own happiness. No one else.

It's not like I'm trying to become more optimistic, cause I think in a way, being optimistic is almost like lying to yourself about reality. And choose only to see the good side of things. That doesn't really get you anywhere cause you will end up seeing the bad sides and become depressed again. So I have learnt to have a bit more control on my mood ( I know that it's contradicting) Since I know what are the things that I can do to cheer myself up temporarily, to it can at least get me out of that depressed mood. And with a fresher mind and a calmer spirit, I can face the challenges once again.

Don't let things get to you. Cause once you do that, it's like if you are letting things get you mad slowly and not do anything about it, thinking that it will never really get me THAT mad, but you will be surprised to find out how mad you are, cause it's surprising how much a person can tolerate. So therefore, I think that next time, when things are getting slowly worse and worse through the day, the first thing to do is to NOT think that "this is just gona be another bad day". Cuz the day is not over yet! What to do is: spoil yourself with little things until you are better.

Don't talk to people. I know that this might sound wrong cuz everyone think that you should talk to people about your feelings so that they can cheer you up and stuff, but I think when I'm in a mood like that I will 90% say things that I don't mean to hopefully intentionally hurt other people to make them taste a bit of bitterness of what I'm feeling right now. When I'm bitter, I'm bitter. Angry at the world and life sucks. You would probably deny and say that you would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt people, then you will be surprised once you really do and don't tell me that I didn't warn you. There's no point talking to people cause you would not only regret the things you say and you know that they won't understand you cause you don't even understand yourself!

You are not a super hero. I tend to have that problem a lot. I sometimes plan my day to the minute and that is really bad. Cause when you are planning, you will be asking yourself questions like: How long will I need to study this class? 3 hours. So from 3-6pm: Electrophysiology. Then, I would need 2 hours of this other class and so on... But all these times are measured from my past studying experiences when I was at my best performance. So when I actually execute my plans, it's more much more tiring then I thought and I would always try to finish my plans cause I would blame myself for being lazy and procastinating. I got to accept the fact that I am human!

Open your ears for encouragement. Wether they are from God, friends or bf, listen to them. I was so mad that I felt like even God wasn't even there with me anymore and even God doesn't understand me no more, but I was actually the one who is refusing Him to help me and give me strength. It's like after a marathon, I'm dying of fatigue and thirst, and all I can feel is my head spinning. And someone offers me a bottle of water and I tell him: "Leave me alone! Don't talk or give me anything, can't you see that I am dying of thirst? You would never understand how I feel!!!"

Tested

Yesterday was an amazing day. I woke up very early, did my devo, had a great time praying and started off my day wonderfully. Despite the fact that my classes are as heavy as always, I was able to go through them in a different way. Ocular tumors in the morning and Angiography in the afternoon, it would normally be very hard for anyone to feel not exhausted after that day. But on the contrary, I was filled with this peace and joy the whole day and I was even able to encourage my friends to keep it up. At night, after the gym, I took the time to organize everything and realized how crazy my load of work is. But I wasn't scared, I felt somewhat confident, not about myself, but about my Source of strength. =)

However, even though I kept saying to myself that I will be more sensitive to the Voice of God and not ignore it to face it head on. And in order to get close to Him, I have changed a lot of things in my routine and part of it was to sleep at 10:30-11:00 to be able to wake up early and make my devos the first thing I will do in my day, cause He is my number 1 priority. Seeing me being so determined, I think God has put me at test last night, and I didn't realize it until this morning.

So after hanging up on the phone with Po, it was already almost 11pm and Grace called me during our phone call. And I didn't know if I should call her back, b/c it was already WAY past my bedtime and I won't get to do according to my plans. Also I knew that if I call her back, she will talk to me for hours and hours nonstop. But something encouraged me to still give her a wall. I wanted to be a "good friend". So I did, as soon as I did, she asked me how I was doing and I updated very fast about things that I've learnt and what has been going on in my life. But after that I finished, and when she started talking, I noticed that I've made a big mistake calling her and that she WILL talk for hours and hours. I could feel that I was getting more and more impatient and my responses only consisted of "mhm" and "ya" for like almost an hour. What was frustrating was I already told her that I was trying to sleep and I didn't understand how she still takes so much time telling me things that I didn't find very significant.

But as I listened to her thoughts and feelings, I realized that I really cared for those things, and I started making comments to what I think she should do and give her my advice. But every time I said something, I regret it so much every time b/c she gets even more excited (meaning that the conversation would be even longer). The funny thing is I keep ignoring the Voice inside of me when It told me to stop being impatient and that sleeping a bit later isn't a big deal, but I listen to it when comes the time where I give advice to her. I am so bad. All the advice that I gave her last night was exactly what It told me to tell her, and it really encouraged her greatly, I could Feel it through her voice and reactions. She changed the way she talked from being very unsteady and turbulent (haha), to calm and thoughtful. I was really happy that my friend got so much from the Voice inside of me. And at the end of the convo, I was the one that talked and talked (so much that my neighbor knocked my wall hahaha). Now that I don't really want to go to sleep anymore, she suggested that I should go to sleep and she asked me to pray. And I prayed for her, for her problems, for her relationship with God and also for myself. I don't know if my prayer was too long, but I didn't see the time pass.

At the the end, she made me a compliment that I really liked. I have no rights to be all proud or anything, b/c it wasn't me that was talking to her, but that Voice. She said that I was very insightful. I asked her to explain, and she said that she liked how I listen, and truly understand how ones feel, but keep my opinions for myself, while doing whatever that I can to help. And that is exactly what I think God has taught me last night.

Day 1

This is the first day after I told him about my decision. I know I made the right choice, but the challenge will be keeping my words. It's going to be really hard, but I trust not my own strength, but God's.

I find it's amazing how God speak to me in different ways and to tell me the same thing, now that I pay attention to His voice, it just confirms again and again what He is trying to teach me. So today, once again he reminded me about the same thing!

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall in to temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

If I don't "watch and pray", I will fall. That's the scary and the hardest part of this whole thing, but at the same time, I think it will become easier and easier b/c Jesus is so charismatic that I will WANT to get to close to Him. =]

-mimi